


Salt Lick

by master_riku



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Condoms, Flavored Lube, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, No Smut, Sea Salt Ice Cream (Kingdom Hearts), Sexual Humor, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 13:29:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20779370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/master_riku/pseuds/master_riku
Summary: In which Roxas drags his boyfriend shopping for the first and last time.





	Salt Lick

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was not even my idea and it rightfully belongs to the ones who came up with it you know who you are you beautiful terrible bastards. love ya.

Riku's cheeks burned. He couldn't believe they were doing this. Perusing a _ Moogle shop _ for _ stamina-enhancing _accessories to take into the bedroom. All because Roxas had found one of his old armbands in the closet and noticed that it changed sizes based on who put it on.

Roxas wanted to try it on his dick because of course he did; he wanted to try everything on his dick. Having a boyfriend who was fairly new to his own body was a whirlwind some days. Riku refused to admit he was even the tiniest bit curious, or disappointed when the band turned out to be too thick and only guard against fire damage anyway.

And somehow he'd let himself get dragged to a Moogle shop. To buy magical not-sex-toys. He wanted to melt into the floor, but instead he shuffled along, halfway between irritable and horrified, behind his short boyfriend, peering over his shoulder every now and again.

"You don't even know if it will work like that, anyway," Riku muttered, shifting his weight back and forth nervously.

"I'll know once I try," Roxas muttered back up at him, picking through the Moogle's stock. He plucked a thinner band up and checked the product tag. "Mm, maybe this one?"

Roxas held the wristband back absently for Riku to look at, checking out the next in line. Riku glanced around, teal eyes shifting as he looked past the shelves to see if they were being watched. They weren't technically doing anything wrong. He still felt sweat beading at his temples, though.

Shaking tension out of his hands, he took the band from Roxas's fingers and eyed the description.

"That one increases your staying power up to 50%, kupo!" a small, bright voice chirped beside him.

Riku almost jumped out of his skin.

"A-aah! That's--th--great," he got out in a rush. "S-staying power. In battle. Fighting. Yes."

He shut himself up as the Moogle's eyes narrowed. Gods, he should have made Roxas come by himself, or put in a fucking mail-order--anything but this.

"I think we'll take it," Roxas said as he came up beside Riku, voice enviably steady. "Thanks."

How was Roxas staying so calm? Riku squinted down at his boyfriend and wondered if he was imagining the frozen quality of his smile, as if it was pasted on. Was Roxas sweating?

The Moogle was going to guess. Riku just knew it. Time slowed down and stretched around Riku as his brain raced through every possibility. They'd never be able to show their face in another Moogle shop, ever. They'd have to convince all their friends to buy things for them somehow. And then all their _ friends _ would know.

Around him, the air grew thick and suffocating. The Moogle hadn't responded. Was it in a stare-off with Roxas? Was time going so slow that mere moments had passed? He couldn't tell.

Riku's heart was beating which was probably a completely normal thing for it to do but for some reason he could hear it in his throat, insistent and choking.

_ "We'reGoingToUseItToFuck," _Riku blurted out before he could stop himself, too-loud voice echoing in the small room. He slapped one hand over his mouth, eyes gone wide, the other hand still clutching the offending wristband.

Roxas brought his own hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"...This is a family-owned business, kupo," the Moogle said flatly, which was probably their version of reproach.

Riku felt his face turn bright red. His entire body was probably bright red. It was possible he was actually going to burst into flames any moment and spared a thought to hope the Moogle had their shop protected against fire damage.

"We got some other shit, though, kupo. You want to see the back room, kupo."

The back room was full of all kinds of contraptions--magically enhanced and run-of-the-mill alike. Riku didn't look at any of them. Shock swirled with embarrassment in his gut and he let himself be led along, clammed up and robotic. He stood in a corner of the room while Roxas roamed around, shameless and almost giddy.

Moogles were ancient beings. Of course they were tapped in to one of the largest, timeless sources of sentient need. It made some horrible, twisted sense but Riku still wanted to scrub the knowledge out of his brain with a firaga.

The thing that finally broke him was a little, pale blue box. Riku had been staring at it unseeing for a few minutes before it registered in his head what it was. An oversized ice cream, made of cardboard. The label read:

_ Salt Lick: Sea-Salt Ice Cream Flavoured, Lubed Condoms _

Riku lost it. Eyes streaming, heaving laughs wracking his body like sobs, he showed Roxas who'd rushed back over in concern.

"S...salt…" Riku managed, coughing through his near-hysteria. They had to get them. How could they not?

Roxas rolled his eyes, but the giggling was contagious and he smirked at his boyfriend. "Come on, you absolute loser. I have everything else I wanna try, too."

By the time Roxas dragged him to the counter to check out, Riku had quieted and he was able to wipe the tears from his face. They tasted of salt, though, and the thought set him off again, doubling over. _ This is my life now. I'm broken. Roxas finally did it. _

Luckily, as they stepped out into the sunlight, the overwhelming hilarity subsided and the coiled mirth in his gut loosened, leaving behind the unfamiliar soreness of having laughed til it hurt.

"You," Roxas said, taking Riku's hand and tugging him down the road to the gummiship, "are _ never _ going shopping with me. Ever again."

"Fine with me. What did you get, anyway?"

"I'll tell you _ after _ you give me a blow job with one of those condoms; you owe me."

Riku finally felt back on solid ground out of the shop and in an unpopulated forest. He grinned at Roxas, tugging him closer and pulling him into a kiss.

"Deal."


End file.
